John Hult

Ashley Allen isn’t taking your crap anymore.

That was the message he delivered to a crowd of thousands yesterday after an announcement last week by the SDSU Media Council confirmed his position as KSDJ station manager for the coming school year.

Wearing a cape resembling the one worn by Adam West’s Batman and 12-inch platform boots with sparkly stars on the heels, Allen delivered his victory speech from the roof of the University Student Union.

Allen’s new policies include the “complete annihilation” of DJs who falter from the KSDJ play list, the implementation of a kickback program for himself and the members of the management team who agree to refer to him as “Emperor Rock,” and the removal of listener requests from the KSDJ agenda.

“I’m sick and tired of pandering to my listeners. This station will no longer disrespect the Holy KROQ charts by allowing punk students decide which songs we’ll play,” Allen shouted. “You’ll hear Creed whether you like it or not. You put that bird away, Stassel!”

Matt Stassel, who served as music director under Allen for the first two months of the spring semester, was hauled away from the assembly Michael Moore style by four University Police Department officers. At press time, the UPD was unaware of Stassel’s existence.

“I’m sorry, our records don’t seem to show any student by the name of Matthew or Matt or Matty Stassel as ever having attended SDSU,” an unidentified receptionist said.

Allen also unveiled his new plan for keeping DJs in line; the plan resembles a “three strikes” crime reduction program.

The first time a DJ deviates from what they will now be required to refer to as “the only songs on earth”-i.e., the KSDJ playlist, they will be locked in a room for 4 hours while an audio tape of Eugene Levy reading War and Peace in Russian plays. For the second offense, they will lose a finger. Allen refrained from commenting on the punishment for the third offense, because there were children in the audience.

“Let’s just say their uppity asses won’t be singing karaoke for a long, long time,” Allen said.

In order to celebrate his new “take no crap” policy, Allen is promising to play a week of German electronic music, followed by a week of polka.

Allen promised that he would remain open to listener suggestions until the listener disagrees.

Additional KSDJ policy changes for 2003-2004:

1. KSDJ Surgeon General Ryan Fraedenburgh will install a chip in the brains of DJs to monitor their KSDJ-related thoughts

2. All Residence Halls will be required to play KSDJ on every floor and in every bathroom at all times

3. DJs encountering Allen on campus will now be required to bow and say “I bow to thee, oh rockingest one” until Allen gives them permission to stop.

4. DJs who make eye contact with Allen will be shot in the pinky toe with a .38 special for a first offense, and stabbed to death with a mint-flavored toothpick for a second.

5. Students who refuse to tune in to KSDJ while driving will be subject to the same two-strike procedure.

#1.887094:1119677175.jpg:AshleyAllenakaHitler.jpg:Newly reinstated KSDJ supreme dictator Ashley Allen works to develop his master plan for the campus station. Allen said he won?t take crap from listeners and DJs any more.: