Dj Steckelberg

At 9 p.m. Western (1:43 a.m. Southern ) the U.S. unveiled its newest weapon on the war on terror.

“The phallic finality has been activated to protect our borders…as long as we need it. It can go anywhere and is willing to do anything to get our satisfaction,” proclaimed General Hardy Dixon.

According to General Dixon, the Campanile Contingency, as he calls it, has been a secret weapon in the U.S. arsenal for “quite some time.”

The large structure standing stoutly, stiffly, silently and steadfastly on the SDSU campus has been part of the community and will be sourly missed.

“Yeah, I think its just terrible what they are doing to that thing. I mean HEY! That is the only way I found my way back to campus on Thursday nights back in my dorm dwelling days,” student Sally Anderson said.

According to military sources, the campanile has always had war time implications.

In the 1940s it was fitted to launch missiles that could drop pro-American leaflets and candy over Axis controlled territory.

“MIDWIFE” as it was called, or MIDwest Image Fortification Element was never allowed to blow it’s package during the war.

In the 1960s, the Military had it painted with flowers and love messages to show that war really wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

“This idea, admittedly wasn’t researched thoroughly,” comments General Dixon.

It is now a little known fact that the campanile actually started the entire hippie movement.

The 1970s and 80s saw the campanile largely ignored by the military structure.

It wasn’t until 1996 that the NSA launched a top secret research team committed to finding a “viable terrorist detriment system”.

This protection commission code named TROJAN was comprised of top MIT grads, NASA officials, girl scouts, and Shamu.

Soon after construction began to turn the campanile into a “Warbot”.

In 2001, construction was completed with a rededication ceremony.

“I think this country has finally brought war technology into the 21st century” said Dr. James L. Johnson at the ceremony.

Soon the campanile will lift itself from its foundation on two super sized legs that will carry it any where in the world that peace is needed.

The military refuses to reveal what the cost of this project was or what the exact capabilities are.

All they will say is that “SDSU and the community of Brookings can be proud.”

“Their monument to higher learning will bring immediate and certain destruction to all who would threaten basic human rights that all Americans believe in, such as eating sack lunches and wearing socks with sandals.”

#1.887111:1593318407.jpg:Camponile.jpg:Unsuspecting SDSU students pass the campanile on a daily basis. Unbeknownst to them, the structure has secret military capabilities that turn it into a ?warbot.?:courtesy photo