Todd Vanderwerff

There comes a time in every young man’s life when he finds the need to share his story as if he were an old man.

I wish to tell my story. My reason sprouts not from any compunctious visiting of Nature, but, rather, because I like to hear my own voice. You should too.

Now, let the history of my life unravel itself before you as my soothing voice lulls you into a cavernous understanding of ME.

Born under a full moon in the waning days of Febutober 1979, in a ’71 DeSoto, I fought my way into this brutal world for sixteen straight hours whilst my mother was passed out from the pain and the local doctor could not be found. My mother says this is why I have such a fighting spirit today, and why she has a limp.

Living on our not so prosperous pig farm, I often found myself wanting for things to do. It was pretty much just the pigs and me along with my cats who suffered from some unknown disease I called “the scat”. My days were filled with games I would invent in my head. Many times I would invade the rest of the world by way of Canada, me and my pig/cat army.

My parents did not believe in communication with the outside world. They went into to town one summer day, but never came back. I didn’t really think anything was wrong until I woke up Christmas morning to discover no one put the Christmas tree up.

The ebb and flow of the little ditty I like to call life has raged and calmed throughout the years. Through the vines, I somehow swung smack into the wall of knowledge at SDSU.

This is a summation of all that I have learned. This young man has reached the impudence of age to consider his short existence to equal that of a wise old man. I have a lot to say. I love to hear my fine young ass talk. This is what I have learned:

No toy ducks; fire trucks. Croquet is the next hockey. Man has not been to the moon, but the people on the moon have been here. Dictionaries are a crime perpetrated by an underground agency bent on word domination. Always keep your money under the mattress and a gun under the pillow. Too many baths may cause the next plague. Pirates are the only people in the history of the earth who got it right. Donahue is the greatest living TV journalist.

I will one day reign supreme over all living beings and all will bow to my intellect, scurvy knaves! Byarrr!

Todd VanDerWerff claims that DJ Steckelberg wrote this but he’s stupid and everyone knows it. Write to him at [email protected] or die!