Nathan Sanderson

Early humans required very little to survive. If you give a Cro Magnon a sharpened stick to gather some Mammoth meat, a Mastodon hide or two to keep warm and a dry cave to protect him from a hungry Saber-toothed tiger, he was just fine.

Obviously, he lived long enough to discover fire, invent the wheel and reproduce often enough to allow all of us to be here.

Modern humans are weenies. We’re so pathetic that if we ate the diet of early man, we’d all ingest salmonella and die. Our dainty stomachs get one taste of E. Coli O157:H7 and we’re making a mad dash to the restroom and shortly thereafter to the law offices of James Sokolove to sue the restaurant for millions in punitive damages and mental anguish.

It’s too bad that Tiger Woods ate pasta cooked by his girlfriend and not a major restaurant chain a few weeks ago when he got sick.

We have “progressed” to the point where our needs not only include food, clothing and shelter, but caffeine, a little yipper dog and a palm pilot as well.

Our evolution is going so badly that in the near future, marriages will have all the frills and paperwork of a cell phone contract. Instead of a quick jaunt to Vegas, those desiring lifelong servitude to a member of the opposite sex will have to prove a good credit rating and pay a major activation charge. If you desire to exit your contract early, a major penalty in the form of a termination fee will be assessed. If you decide to skip out on that, a bounty hunter will track you down, where the only remains of your existence will be the pictures of your broken body your ex places on the Internet.

As humans grow closer and closer to the point where we are so overpopulated that our relatively small planet doesn’t have the room or the ability to produce enough food for the masses (if you ask some experts, that time is in about 50 years), we are becoming more finicky.

Organic food is popular, but our backwards society also advocates vegetarianism and veganism. Proponents of these theories eat plants derived from gathering and farming, which was introduced after man had enough to eat because he just killed a wildebeest with his sharpened stick. Humans decided it was easier to eat a Gnu than to wait six months for some seeds to grow up.

As the human species gets older, it also gets dumber. Ancient man only needed his bare hands to gather food. We require Whit, the Papa John’s Pizza delivery guy. But I suppose ol’ Cro Magnon didn’t have any toilet paper, either.

Here’s to progress!

Nathan Sanderson once survived for four years in the Canadian wilderness with only a rusty hatchet. Tell him how unworthy you are to read his column at [email protected].