Todd Vanderwerff

After extensive research, the Collegian has learned that the original James Bond, once known as Sean Connery, now works at SDSU as a humble political science professor.

“It just made sense to segue into that profession,” said Dr. Robert Burns, head of political science. “Quite frankly, if there’s one thing James Bond is concerned with, it’s politics. And fast cars. And super gadgets. And sexy, sexy women. And quite frankly, political science offers an abundance of all of those things.”

In the movies, Burns fought the bad guys (including such immortal enemies as Blofeld and Odd Job) and got the ladies with a combination of his Scottish suaveness and his sheer masculine bravado.

Now, he uses those same qualities to teach his classes.

During a recent American government class, Burns used small explosives hidden in a regular pack of chewing gum to explain the policy of checks and balances.

“I didn’t really get what he was talking about at first, but when the Congress blew up the Supreme Court, I suddenly understood that all of the branches of government have a license to kill each other,” said freshman political science major Jessica Crammerson. “Dr. Burns is so sexy, don’t you think so?”

For nearly 30 years, Burns has kept his secret by employing a Dr. Burns look-alike to make public appearances, though Burns occasionally makes appearances at major events as his alter ego.

His most recent public appearance was at the 2003 Oscars, where he presented the award for best supporting actress, dressed in what appeared to be the puffy shirt from Seinfeld.

“I did look like a pirate, didn’t I?” Burns said. “I guess that shows me that I shouldn’t let people other than my wife pick out what I wear in public.”

Burns added that his shirt was chosen for him by Entrapment co-star Catherine Zeta-Jones.

When asked about his relationship with the nubile starlet and Michael Douglas’ wife, Burns was surprisingly forthcoming.

“Well, I’ve always been faithful to my wife, but let’s just say that the ladies always want some Burnsy, and Catherine was no exception,” Burns said.

Burns continues to film movies during the summer breaks in the school year. His recent contributions to the world cinema have included Medicine Man and Playing by Heart. This summer, he will appear in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

“I wanted to call it Dr. Burns and the League of Somewhat Ordinary Gentlemen, but the studio didn’t want to isolate fans of the comic book. Bastards!” Burns said, reverting to his thick, native Scottish brogue.

Burns won an Oscar in 1988 for his appearance in the 1987 film The Untouchables. He keeps his Oscar in a cabinet in his office and pulls it out every so often in staff meetings to intimidate colleagues such as Delmer Lonowski into doing what Burns tells them to.

“We’ll be arguing about something and he’ll say, ‘Well, who’s got the Oscar here?” Lonowski said. “I hate that trick, but I don’t really have a way to beat it.”

Burns has several other souvenirs from his movie days, including most of his spy gadgets from his James Bond days. His favorite is the car he drove in one of his movies, which featured numerous implements, including knives and machine guns.

“It’s kind of the Swiss army knife of cars,” Burns said. “Most people think it was just a special effect, but it wasn’t.

“When my kids were in high school, I used to take that out and drive it around looking for them. Let me tell you-one round shot into the air out of those machine guns and my kids knew Dad was out on the town and if they didn’t get their butts in gear, I’d be firing another round into their foot.”

Burns said that he is not a violent man, but that even he has his limits.

“When Blofeld would scheme to take over the world, I would stop him. When my kids would scheme to stay out past curfew, I would stop them,” Burns said. “I’m a crusader for good, what can I say?”

Burns then made several cryptic remarks about the veracity of the James Bond movies.

“Most people think that the James Bond movies were fictional, but that’s not true. The James Bond movies were documentaries and they were filmed in real time,” Burns said.

Following this revelation, Burns got up to get some water. However, he was met at the door by several burly men with British accents.

“You’re coming with us, James,” the men said before Burns was rudely dragged away from his interview.

“I’ll get you next time, Bond … I mean, Burns!” Blofeld said, shaking his fist at the air.