Matthew Gruchow

Dear Matthew,

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for almost two years and want to marry her. However, lately I’ve begun to think she’s cheating on me. Is there anyway to tell for sure? –In Doubt

Dear In Doubt,

This is a tough one. It’s not only tough because I’m unfamiliar with your relationship, but also because women are much more savvy at the cheating game than men.

First some brutal statistics. Recent studies are showing that American wives and women are cheating in greater numbers than ever before. There has been a rise in male infidelity as well. For more on these studies go to Askmen.com or do a web search. However, don’t let this news be cause for alarm.

I’m going to assume that up until now you’ve trusted your girlfriend and only recently felt something amiss. More than likely you’ve noticed a change in her behavior, her habits, etc., and these concern you. These concerns are valid, as any drastic change in behavior or living habits could be a sign of relationship trouble.

I consulted a couple female friends of mine and we came up with a short list of things to look for:

1) A change in sex drive. She withdraws from sex completely or wants it much less and then only after you’ve whined and wept. Do not, however, confuse this with the normal ups and downs of her libido.

2) Watch the way she dresses. If she’s flannel pajamas and oversized fuzzy slippers most of the time and suddenly wants to be a sex kitten, this should grab your attention. If she’s buying sexy lingerie and she’s keeping it hidden and not wearing it for you, than she’s probably wearing it for someone else. The same principle can be applied to perfume and in the general way she takes care of herself.

3) She’s not interested in you. If the long talks and cuddling you enjoyed after sex have ended along with most of the romance, this is a warning sign. Perhaps she has a lot of unaccounted time and can’t give you a reasonable excuse. Perhaps she doesn’t seem interested in what you’re doing, where you’re going or who you’re with anymore. All this is bad.

In short, watch and wait. It’s anguishing I know. I had to do this with my ex-fiance, but it paid off. I would have put a ring on a liar and a cheat.

Some final warnings: Do not let your curiousity destroy your relationship. Communicating with her about her feelings about you and the relationship is perfectly acceptable, but do so without being confrontational. Do not confront her about your suspicions until you have good proof. Wild accusations will only get you into trouble and placed in possible physical danger. Do not under any circumstances invade her privacy to get the proof you need. That means stay away from her email, date book, cell phone records. Do these things and you can watch a potentially terrific woman walk right out the door. Get sex advice from Matt or Kara by writing [email protected]. We’ll keep it confidential.