Jeremy Fugleberg

1. Drink Sparingly.

Not only will it be good on your liver, you won’t look more stupider than usual. And yes, stupider is a word, especially when you’re drunk. At the very least, less alcohol down the throat means less embarrassing moments that you might regret later. And you won’t wake up next to … oh my God!

2. Use Protection.

Do I really need to go into detail on this one? Okay, fine. If there isn’t “the pill,” “the patch,” “the shot” or the father with a shotgun involved, use that rubber thingy, or latex thingy, or sheepskin thingy. Basically put the thingy on the thingy. Clear enough?

3. Love your police.

Hey, it’s not personal; they’re just doing it for money. It’s called a job, and it’s something you should understand whether you have one or not. They didn’t make the rules; they just snag you if you break them. So if they ask: spread ’em. Oh, and they protect you from drunk people (see #1).

4. Drive safely.

That means driving slow, or maybe even getting a designated driver. The best combination here is a slow designated driver, so get that one-eyed cat that’s always prowling and yowling through the neighborhood. Look, as long as it hasn’t had too much to drink, it’ll be safer than YOU driving.

5. Remember, it’s Hobo Days.

It’s NOT Mardi gras, the Fourth of July, outer space or spring break. So drop the beads, the fireworks, the space helmet and the swimwear. Instead, stop shaving, get out your warmest gunnysack and lift a cold one for all those hobos that have gone before you.

6. Stop crying.

Those that have gone on before you are GONE. Bottoms up.