Todd Vanderwerff

Ahhhh … accursed Oscars. Why can I not tear myself from your yearly spectacle of self-love? Why must I watch every year, even though I find myself not particularly interested in the fashions or the acceptance speeches? How can Hollywood pretend any longer to be appreciative of quality when it spends most days trying to figure out how many different places it can set Die Hard?

I don’t know, yet I come back, year after year. This year was simultaneously boring because The Lord of the Rings won everything and exciting because, well, The Lord of the Rings won everything. This somehow validates the long hours I spent in junior high reading fantasy and science fiction. Why? I don’t know, but I like to feel validated.

Want the winners? Go to oscarwatch.com. Herewith are our own “special” awards, provided by myself, Libby Hill and Toby Uecker.

Best acceptance speech: The lady from Chernobyl Heart. We’re sure what she said was nice, but we’re giving her this because we spent her whole speech laughing about that radioactive ape from The Simpsons.

Best hair-do: Fran Walsh (the lady Peter Jackson hangs out with) for her towering monstrosity. We think she had a flask or the entire population of New Zealand in there.

Oddest pre-show comment: Joan Rivers to Jennifer Garner: “Now let’s just talk about your body.”

Most embarrassed movie star: Keisha Castle-Hughes, who threatened some ABC guy with death after he forced her to meet her “dream boy” Johnny Depp.

Strangest moment, hands down: Sting, and his magical rubbing instrument. He looked oddly like a mime anxiously hoping for a jack-in-the-box to appear.