Roxy Hammond

I have a phobia. It’s nothing that makes me scream at the sight of a butterfly or avoid dark places. No, it’s not quite that severe.

My phobia is marriage. Yes, that’s right, the thought of living in a perfect world of holy matrimony absolutely terrifies me. I don’t know where this phobia comes from, but it is especially strong around this age.

You see, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years and I’m going to turn 20 this year. Apparently, that’s the secret formula that makes people ask, “So when are you going to get married?”

NEVER! I want to scream, every time I’m asked. But I refrain, sometimes giving them a look as if they’re insane, sometimes smiling politely and biting my lip so as not to say anything mean to them for such a stupid question.

I’m young. If anything, that tells me that I should be avoiding commitment at all costs. Why oh why would I want to settle down with one person and stifle my free spirit?

Especially since the idea of putting on a wedding gown right now gives me the creeps. And especially since the thought of changing my last name to someone else’s makes me want to vomit over and over again. Not that I particularly like my last name, but it’s mine. I don’t want it sounding like I’m someone else’s property, because I’m not. And I never will be. I would feel as if someone had just tied a gigantic collar on me and proceeded to tie it to a short leash. (I’m starting to sound like a guy, aren’t I?)

Some girls dream about their fairy tale wedding from childhood. My dreams were filled with becoming the first female president, winning the Nobel Peace Prize or instigating a revolution. Needless to say, I had no room in my life for a prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet. I had PLANS.

Maybe that’s why the thought of marriage scares me. I directly relate it to the downfall of my dreams. The minute I connect my life to someone else’s, I will become their happy housewife, cleaning up their crap and putting on their slippers for them when they come home from work. Barf! I thought unpaid slavery was outlawed the last two centuries or so ago.

I know, I know, completely irrational. But that’s a phobia for you.

I’ll probably get over it someday and marry my significant other, with great reluctance and probably some tranquilizers. But for now I’m going to pretend that 20 is too young to get married. And for now I’ll live in my own little fantasy world, where my only prince charming is the person who swears me into office at my presidential inauguration.

#1.884447:4166095905.jpg:RoxyHammondUsethisone.jpg:Roxy Hammond, Columnist: