Alec Strenge

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m scared to death of having a daughter. Although I love kids and I think girls are great, I’ve seen some things that have made me question everything.

For instance, this last Christmas I went home to see my family, which is typically crazy, but this time, it was a little worse.

I was sitting there watching my six-year-old cousin, Catlin, open her gifts and I got a little freaked out. First, she unwrapped this little skirt covered in glitter with a top that said “Princess” or something. In addition to that she received a make-up set and these Hollywood J-Lo sunglasses. Then my grandparents got her some shiny, glittery underwear to top it all off. Don’t ask me why my family got her that stuff because I have no idea.

So then she puts everything on and comes back out wearing the clothes, the sunglasses and an insane amount of make-up. I was like “Wow, what kind of glitter hooker are you guys trying to turn her into!? She’s only six-years-old. Can’t we wait a little while before we just completely give up on her?”

There are a lot of bad guys in this world. I don’t particularly feel like we should advertise or get arrested for showing our Christmas pictures.

After I recovered from that, Catlin comes up to me and asks me to open up the box to some of her new dolls. I’m thinking ‘Alright, this will be better. Dolls aren’t so bad right?’ Let me tell you, we have come a long way since the original Barbie.

I’m opening this box and I see this realistic looking girl doll sporting high heels, an extremely short plaid skirt and a really scandalous top.

To make matters worse, the other two dolls in the box were guys. Whatever happened to man-whore Ken supplying all the Barbies? Not anymore. Apparently there is some healthy competition in the neighborhood and Ken is just hoping for a phone call.

Next thing you know, they’ll start talking and then the world will be in real trouble. You press a button and Ken will say “Sorry Barbie, I know I’m late on child support but I get paid on Friday” or “How do you even know that baby is mine? I mean you’ve got like 80 pairs of shoes and you can’t even find a third of them!”

What’s it going to be like if I had a daughter and the time comes when she wants dolls? My parents will probably run out to get her “Gutter Slut Barbie” with hot accessories like edible underwear and the always important home pregnancy test. “Cock-block Ken” and the rest of the gang of dudes will probably be equipped with a variety of condoms rather than the boom box and roller skates of the past.

The point I’m trying to make is that times are changing and it worries me. Considering the state of things now it is hard to imagine what the world will be like when I have children of my own.

I envision myself in the hospital perhaps seeing my daughter being born and the doctor saying “OK, clean her up and slap one of those glitter thongs on her so we can send her on her way.” I’ll probably have to sit outside the newborn viewing room in my underwear, clutching my shotgun so little Jimmy doesn’t try to make a move.

Although I’m clearly joking, sometimes that’s where I feel like we are headed. I always thought my parents had it rough raising me, but there may be something far worse in store for me. I’m scared and you should be too.

Alec Strenge is senior journalism major.

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