Tiffany Haynes

I just got a puppy for Christmas; he’s a purebred red, smooth doxon. I love him to pieces and wouldn’t trade him for the world. However, I would trade his breeder. His breeder is a crazy dog lady. When I went to visit my beloved Arnie at the breeder’s house, I was greeted by no less than 12 doxons. Here a doxon, there a doxon, every freaking place I looked a doxon. It was smelly and very overwhelming, but once I laid eyes on my little man, I was done for.

Later in our meeting, I was bombarded with questions about feeding. It seemed that crazy dog lady was feeding her zillions of dogs “raw.” For those of you who have no idea what the “raw” diet is, it consists of feeding your dog only raw meats. She fed those dogs chicken hindquarters, raw hamburger, turkey and venison. This dog was eating better than I did. Not only could I not afford to feed him this disgusting diet but my stomach would not allow me to listen to Arnie’s tiny teeth destroy chicken bones.

My dog is micro-chipped. If you have a dog, I suggest doing this. I would, however, not suggest letting your breeder keep her name on the contact list. See, if your dog gets lost, the Humane Society or your local vet scans the dog. Whatever name pops up is the person who is notified of the dog’s whereabouts. My crazy breeder wants to continue being on the contact list, so she knows what happens to the dog. She wants to be notified if I screw up with this dog in any way. This, of course, lets me feel how much confidence in me she actually has.

I also signed a “contract.” I put “contract” in quotes because it was bogus. However, crazy dog lady has written that she must be notified beforehand, if the dog for some reason has to be put to sleep. Because if some awful illness made it necessary for me to put my baby to sleep, the first thing I would be thinking about is telling the crazy lady who sold him to me. I signed it, yes, but this lady needs to get a life.

I work at a vet clinic. I’ve never had a dog before, but it wasn’t like I was a complete idiot. I know what kind of food is good for dogs. I know what behavior is expected and what is acceptable. I am aware that having a dog is like having a tiny child. What I was not aware of was that I would have this beautiful dog’s breeder e-mailing me and calling me to see how the dog was doing. I did not anticipate the almost-weekly calls and e-mails. I knew she loved her dogs, but I thought once the love of my life left her chaotic house, he would be all mine. I would not have to answer any silly feeding or behavior questions.

Not that anyone really cares about my puppy issues, but I just want to put it out there that this lady has totally pissed me off. Her last e-mail was the last straw. She wrote, “he’s entering a very impressionable age, so you really need to be on top of things.” Well, Crazy Dog Lady, to you I write “get a life!” This dog has the most loving home a pet could ask for.

And my advice to all thee who plan to purchase a dog, read before you sign and tell the crazy breeder to leave you alone after you leave their driveway.

#1.884724:251356112.JPG:TIFFANY.JPG:Tiffany Haynes, Columnist: