Roxy Hammond

Mother’s Day is coming up soon. The holiday that accounts for the most phone calls on any one day of the year, and more than one-fifth of the total fresh flower sales of the year. Also the time of the year you lazy bums should remember all the things your own mothers have done for you throughout the years. And if they were anything like my years, you should buy her flowers. And chocolate. And a new car. Immediately.

So here’s my tribute to my mother. It could be your tribute to your mother, too, since I hope I’m not the only weirdo out there that has experienced some of these things. Either way, I want everyone to raise a toast to their mothers next Sunday, and remember with me all the crappy things we’ve put our mothers through. This one’s for you, Mom.

Thank you, Mom, for cleaning up my puke when I accidentally missed the toilet, or sink, or anything I should have puked into. To this day, I’m not sure I could clean up my own puke, let alone someone else’s. You must have a stomach of steel, because I certainly did not.

Thank you, Mom, for not killing me when I carried on because you wouldn’t let me go to the drive-in with my senior boyfriend when I was a freshman. Any lesser woman would have snapped into a blind rage, strangled me and buried my body in a ditch somewhere. But you stood strong until that jerk dumped me soon after. Which brings me to the next grateful point.

Thank you, Mom, for taking me out to write on my ex-boyfriend’s car with shaving cream after he broke up with me for another girl and then pretended like he didn’t. I hope the statute of limitations is up for that one. Otherwise, nobody heard anything about any vandalism.

Thank you Mom, for driving me and most of my friends halfway around the country in your minivan when we didn’t have our driver’s licenses. Right now that would be absolutely out of the question with gas prices, but you’d probably still do it anyway if it meant you were the one driving and not a teenager. Namely my sister.

Thank you Mom, for keeping that same minivan despite my constant complaints about how old and busted it is. It is old and busted, but your stubborn spirit to keep it alive is very inspiring.

Thank you Mom, for leaving your grandmother’s funeral because I wouldn’t sit still and stop fussing. So sorry about that one. I apologize for my 2-year-old self.

Thank you Mom, for saying that I could go out on the weekends when Dad told me no. Even though I really never asked Dad, since he just told us to go ask you anyway.

Thank you Mom, for buying me clothes even though it drove you nuts that I didn’t like the jeans you picked out for me and I was overall just a pain in the ass. Your patience never ceases to amaze me.

Thank you Mom, for having that one particular look that could freeze a child right in her naughty tracks and make her regret thinking she could get away with it. And thank you for finding new and creative ways of making our lives miserable. You always kept things new and inventive.

Thank you Mom, for answering the call of “Come wipe my butt!” Because that’s really disgusting and wow … that’s really disgusting.

Thank you Mom, for not taking all those threats I had of running away and starving myself seriously. Not that you could have ? because, come on, who can take a pre-teen seriously when she’s screaming and bawling at the same time?

Thank you Mom, for tolerating the Backstreet Boys, etc., that I listened to in middle school. That had to be so annoying. I am, once again, surprised you didn’t kill me.

Thank you Mom, for buying me a car that was nicer than the one you drove around, and thank you for not letting Dad take it instead. I know he wanted to.

And finally, Mom, thank you for wasting nine months of your life away being pregnant with me, and 20-something hours in labor, and incredible amounts of pain to bring my ungrateful self into the world. I’m not sure there’s any one thing I can do to repay you for that, but hopefully dedicating an entire column to you will soften the blow a little.

#1.884447:4166095905.jpg:RoxyHammondUsethisone.jpg:Roxy Hammond, Columnist: