Brandon Van Meter

I absolutely love Facebook.

It was fun when I could get all my work-related memos, post photos of my idiot friends and totally creep on that hot chick in my Algebra class. Facebook became the crux of my day-to-day living on campus.

One day, Facebook applications seemingly fell from the heavens to wash me anew in all its craptastic, flash-based splendor. Where once was an overly simplified user interface is now a cornucopia of madness.

I’m now determined to find the cream of the crop. This assignment has left my profile a shattered, disorganized mess of sexually demeaning gifts, dragons and Bob Marley.

1. Very Naughty Gifts

I’ve laid awake at night wondering how Facebook Gifts could be better. I found Naughty Gifts to be okay, but I wanted gifts that could make your grandmother cry. I wanted, neigh needed, to have my profile page become a sesspool seething with unwanted sexuality. Now, when I skip class, I send all my friends “fun dolls.”

2. How Slutty Are You?

I thought the numerous photo albums of myself wearing belly shirts downtown were proof of my general lack of good taste. There was a time when having my Ying Yang Twins ringtone blare during a church service was freaking sweet. Now, for the sold out and morally bankrupt souls like myself, there is an application that perfectly describes all those social taboos I love to explore in front of others.

3. Is The Sun Burning?

In case you’re still using Facebook in 5-6 billion years, you’ll know the exact moment the sun finally stops producing energy. Not to spoil the end of the story, but the Earth will be engulfed in a fiery Hell as the sun expands to over twice its size. The bright side is you’ll become part of the nebula that forms a billion years after your delightful death.

Don’t worry though, there will still be Full House reruns to watch.

4. Torture Me

When I launched the application, Torture Me greeted me as Brandon John Van Westen, the masochist. All in all, a great start.

5. Which Bob Marley Song Best Describes You?

Are you a confused college student who doesn’t like to shower, go to class and really, really loves funny-smelling cigarettes? Finally, get the ultimate opinion on which song you should play on loop for your roommate. It’s okay, I know it’s “totally the song that describes your soul and stuff.”

Trust me, you’ll want to use Take. Premium Quizzes. According to their Frequently Asked Questions, these guys are the experts of “new journalism” and “choose your own adventure novels:”

“1. What is Take. Premium Quizzes?

Take is the only premium quiz service on Facebook. We only employ professional quiz writers who have made a career in new journalism.

2. Quizzes are new journalism?

Eh kinda. We know it’s a stretch, but we have a good time writing them anyways. It’s kind of like the choose your own adventure novels of the past, except with better graphics, AI and user experience.”

Eh? kinda professional.

6. Pet Dragons

Here is the greatest application for your profile page, especially if you quiz your friends on Elizabethan English and the latest in 16th century fashion. Plus, let’s not forget the fun of the Bubonic Plague.

I made sure my dragon I_LUV_RENFAIRE666 is prominently displayed high on my profile for my World of Warcraft clan to see.

#1.882572:767707818.jpg:IMG_0359web.jpg:The Big Ol’ B, College Connoisseur: