Josh Chilson

We have recently seen many of big fish on Wall Street flounder after they swam too long in the deep end of the pool. They gave out loans as though the housing bubble would never end, and now they are left treading the air where the bubble used to be. Meanwhile, lifeguard Uncle Sam dives into the bureaucracy in an attempt to bail the economy out.

Now pundits, politicos and possible presidents all have a new buzzword to throw around: bailout. This word is now as pervasive in the media as attractive female news anchors.

Perhaps it was the clever visual graphics in the newscast, or maybe it was due to the fact that I always watch the news cross-eyed while standing on my head, but as I watched the news this morning, I came to a revelation: I need a bailout! I have taken out student loans that, in my current economic condition, it appears I will unlikely to be able to pay back anytime soon. Will the government step in to save fat cat banks and not starving cat students like myself?

The cost of the proposed bailout is $700 billion. 700,000,000,000! I do not need much, maybe three or four zeroes. Then I could at least pay my library fines so I could quit worrying about the thugs they keep sending to break my legs and steal my bookmarks. I can’t even save a page anymore!

Peddlers of the bailout warn of economic dangers looming if the bailout does not go through. There have been many comparisons made to the current situation and that of the 1929 stock market crash and the Great Depression of the 1930’s. How bad could the depression really have been if everyone thought it was “Great?” Personally, I think we could use more movies like Gone With the Wind and fewer like Disaster Movie. And FDR did more without the use of his legs than George W. Bush could with both of his, plus Dick Cheney carrying him.

What about the fallout that would occur if I receive no bailout? Will more businesses be plagued by my ineptness as I am forced into part-time labor? Do we want the possibility friends, family, teachers and even random strangers walking down the street to put up with my constant complaining about poor wages and lack of respect at a job?

The Wall Street bailout will cost every man, woman and child in the U.S. $2,300. I would require only a fraction of that, say, $2,200 from every man and woman, and maybe some candy from the children. I could probably even deal with little less than that. For this small price, America could look forward to a work force forever free of me, as well as a lot less complaining. Heck, I would even throw a really wicked party and invite all the taxpayers in the U.S. to come. BYOB, of course.