Josh Chilson

Hollywood patted itself on the back Sunday night in the 81st annual Academy Awards. Beautiful people graced us with smiles and three-second sound bites of insight on the red carpet, as the best of the best in Hollywood thanked God for receiving little golden statuettes.

I’m no religion major, but I don’t think God cares too much about the Oscars. In fact, God usually doesn’t appreciate it when people adore and covet gold statues – he usually smites them.

However, I am sure that God does appreciate the Razzies.

The Golden Raspberry Awards, or the Razzies, were founded in 1981 as an Academy Awards antithesis. They honor the worst films of the year. Categories mirror some of the more popular Oscar awards, including Worst Film, Worst Actor/Actress, Worst Director, etcetera.

Paris Hilton rocked the Razzies with three awards, including worst actress in The Hottie and the Nottie. I question the Razzie committee in these bestowments. By giving Hilton an award, even if it is an award for badness, we are recognizing her existence. I believe that if we completely ignore her, she might simply disappear.

I cannot imagine any possible world where a film starring Paris Hilton could be anything but absolutely terrible. In fact, just her existence in a film, even if it is only a cameo, might be enough to ruin it. I’m pretty sure I saw her as a bystander walking across the street in Citizen Kane, and now I get queasy watching it.

One more little testament to the awfulness of The Hottie and the Nottie: it only grossed $27,000 in its opening weekend, the Hollywood equivalent of nothing. The Houston Chronicle estimated that on its opening weekend it averaged four people per showing. That makes it only slightly more popular than my blog.

The Love Guru was another big winner among losers. It received three nods for Worst Film, Worst Actor (Mike Myers) and Worst Screenplay. You would think that Myers would have done a better job with his part in this film, as he has had a lot of practice playing that exact character in almost every other movie he has been in. I don’t know what the problem is, usually movies that feature a title actor playing the exact same role he has played in other movies just get funnier and funnier with each movie. (I’m looking at you, Will Ferrell).

Perhaps one day awards like the Razzies will cause filmmakers to aspire to produce less works of complete garbage. Until then, we’ll have just have to keep dealing with what they throw at us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to stand in line for Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Experience tickets.