Disclaimer: This is a comedic piece and the author does not advise taking any of the advice seriously.

Winter is here, and we all know what that means: love is in the air. It’s officially cuffing season. It’s the time of the year where single life is left behind in favor of warm cuddles. Apparently, something about the chilly weather makes everyone thirsty for love.

If you’re like me, then have no worry, because if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s staying as single as the last Pringle in the jar. And if you’re not like me, but looking to stay single, needless to say, I gotchu.

Never know what you want:

s it a blessing, or a curse? I may never know. What I do know is the quickest way to express disinterest is to constantly juggle romantic partners in your brain. Sure, one person gets you, but the other is willing to binge watch “Parks and Rec” through the weekend. No need to worry! The longer you stay confused, the longer you stay single.

Have unrealistic expectations:

I always have a dying need to be whisked away after binging Korean dramas, Indian movies and Mexican soap operas. Nothing says unrealistic like waiting for a Kim Woo Bin lookalike to pay your tuition and simultaneously be the child you fake married in elementary school and lost contact with.

Friendzone:

The imaginary galaxy where all possible romantic partners go to live out the remainder of their lives. If it talks nice, shows compassion and you are attracted to it in any way, red flag alert! You are in danger of getting cuffed. It is at this point we must kindly escort them to the point of no return: the Friendzone. You can’t cuff it if you block it.

Unrequited feelings:

This one is perhaps my go-to. Nothing says “forever single” like being attracted to people who aren’t attracted to you. Trust me, it works. Believe it or not, pining for someone who isn’t into you romantically — or even better, doesn’t know you exist — is an awesome way to stay single. So, pine on.

I like to think I gave you love-proof advice, but life does happen. So, if you do catch the love bug that plagues us all this time of the year, have fun, enjoy the now, cuddle up and go with the flow.

There are worse things in life than being in a relationship. And if you are single this holiday, do the same. Loving yourself is just as exciting when you do it on your own.