Congratulations! You have almost made it to Valentine’s Day without stabbing your eyes out from all the giant teddy bears and boxes of chocolates overtaking every store across America. This is a huge accomplishment. As much as every PDA filled couple wants to celebrate this Hallmark holiday, singles everywhere are collecting roses just to burn them. 

The most popular gifts given on this holiday are heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears. What a perfect gift to give to a loved one, chocolate. Nothing says “I love you” like free food to make you fat. Then there are giant teddy bears, why not give a loved one a creepy fuzzy friend that will take up space and will just sit there collecting dust? Sounds great. You will never be lonely again. If the relationship ends, you will at least have someone to talk to, Charlie your giant stuffed teddy bear. Sounds like a lovely time for you and your newly single self.

One upside about Valentine’s Day is the amount of candy Wal Mart sets out weeks before and discounts the day after. Every “single and ready to mingle” student will flock to the stores and rip apart those aisles like a flock of geese going after a loaf of bread. Trails of candy hearts will lead to the Wellness Center called the “trail of desperation” and Hallmark cards will be torn apart and edited until the suspicion will grow when the recorded voice telling you how special you are, sounds just like your own voice. Don’t be that desperate.

The desperation will continue to grow when no one has seen your fiancé because he travels the world. Don’t doubt me, people can be desperate. If you are single, embrace the freedom. If you are in an “it’s complicated” relationship, get out now, those never work out. If you feel the need to tell people you are in an “open relationship,” people will just feel bad for you. If you consider yourself in a relationship because you have five cats, maybe you should never leave your house. If you keep reminding yourself over and over that you are “dating the woman you’re becoming and focusing on your future,” then maybe go on a drinking binge for about a week. If you are engaged and never put your left hand down, you will only make enemies, quickly. If you are in a “committed” relationship, enjoy it; we singles just don’t want to see it. If you are openly single and accept it, then raise your glass.

Valentine’s Day is arguably a made up holiday, if it is even considered a “holiday”. Whatever your status may be, you will fall into the effects of this dreaded day. Everyone will somehow find themselves watching a sappy movie like The Notebook, out celebrating with friends, or wearing some shade of red or pink. So, as this day approaches and you find yourself making plans, remember to stay strong.

Being single is not horrible and neither is being in a relationship. At the end of the day, chocolates and teddy bears don’t mean anything. What matters are the memories made egging an ex’s house or keying a car. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone and don’t forget, there is nothing better than discounted candy.

 

Brianna Arity is majoring in early childhood education. She can be reached at [email protected].