A beginner ‘s guide on how to ‘hack it’ in Canada

Editor’s note: This is purely facetious and should not be taken seriously. I apologize in advance if you are Canadian or know a Canadian and are offended. It’s all in good fun, and I don’t mean a word, I swear.

 

Are you worried the candidate you are voting for won’t win this election season? Are you thinking about giving up your U.S. citizenship and moving to Canada? Don’t worry, The Collegian is here to let you know the “do’s” and “don’ts” of your never-ending trip up yonder in the frozen tundra because “hacking it” won’t be as easy as it seems.

Remember, Canada is a different country (I really hope you already knew that), and there are probably steps you need to take to become a permanent resident, unless you hide out in the woods as a hermit indefinitely. You can be the next Christopher McCandless.  

 

Do: Drive 

Don’t: Fly

Think about it. Plane tickets are expensive enough, but once you get up there, where are you supposed to live? Driving is the perfect solution. The Canadian border is only about 4.5 hours from Brookings. Not only does it cut down on traveling costs, it will also give you a place to live for the next six or so months until you can build a shack to live in. Or rent an apartment, that works, too. You can also try canoeing across the border, though I hear you get tracked down pretty fast by border patrol if you do that. 

 

Do: Stock up on beef jerky

Don’t: Bring fruits and vegetables

Fruits and vegetables spoil quickly, and let’s face it — you are going to be broke without a job because you moved to Canada on a whim. Beef jerky has a long shelf-life, and nothing is more American than beef. Plus, you can do this in preparation just in case your candidate doesn’t win. If your candidate does win, well, you just have a crap ton of beef jerky now, and that’s never a bad thing. If you’re vegetarian, I apologize. Skip to the next “do/don’t.”

 

Do: Buy Canadian flag paraphernalia

Don’t: Bring the America flag

Nothing will make you fit into Canada more than plastering as many Canadian flags to your car and person as you can. Work on your accent as well. Live, breathe, eat, sleep Canada. I would recommend getting into the sport of hockey and seeking out a moose friend. Maybe pick up ice fishing as a hobby as well (if you don’t already). You are a Canadian now, be proud of your country.

 

Do: Be a kind, upstanding citizen Don’t: Be a jerk

This may just be a myth, but I hear Canadians are typical human beings like the rest of us. Based on the assumption that they are actual human beings, they may not all be the happy-go-lucky fellows YouTube leads us to believe. Some of them may be easily irritable. 

Unfortunately, they don’t come with a manual, so if you found you have agitated a Canadian, raise your arms above your head (grabbing sticks helps to make you seem taller) and scream as terrifyingly as you can. This will have the same effect as it does on mountain lions, and they should retreat in fear. I mean think about it, if anyone did that to you, wouldn’t you run, too?