Good: (To the tune of “Camptown Races”) Graduation’s not that far away (do-da, do-da!). Graduation’s not that far away (oh do-da-day!). We sure do have pity … on those who have to stay. But we don’t care ’cause we’re outta here. Oh … Do … Da … Day!!!

Good: Moms. Aren’t Moms great? Not only did they go to all the trouble of giving birth to you, but sometimes, they give you money, too! Where would we all be without Mom? Well, not alive, obviously.

Bad: K-mart has filed for bankruptcy. It looks like Wal-mart will now have a monopoly on cheap crap no one needs.

Good: Did you know that there are people called “Head Hunters” (we are not making this up) who will look for jobs for you in a specific part of the country where you would like to relocate? So, if those people are called “Head Hunters,” does that make prospective employers “Soul Stealers, Blood Suckers or just plain Pimps?”

Bad: Job hunting. (To the tune of the Toys ‘R’ Us jingle. We’re big into songs in this issue.) We don’t wanna grow up, we don’t wanna real job. There’s a million drinks at Chevy’s that we haven’t tried yet. Sure we haven’t any money and for beer we have to scrimp. But we’re not ready to work for a Pimp.

Good: Hey, check out the three different religion columns we got going on on page 11. So, if someone dares to call us close minded or biased against certain religions, we’ll be forced to do the unreligous thing and beat the crap out of him or her.

And the unattractive: Cell phones. Sure, they might save your life in an emergency, but if one more person’s cell goes off in class or in a restaurant or in church or in a theater, (we’re also big into threats in this issue. Songs and threats. Maybe, eventually, a song about a threat) we’re going to shove that thing so far up that person’s rectal cavity that it will take an act of Congress to get it removed. Yes, we realize that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but don’t test us on this one. We’ll shove that cell phone up your butt (do-da, do-da) …