Young Mr. Steckelberg eats a lot of apples, drinks a beer

Dj Steckelberg

Dj Steckelberg

I need to go on a diet. I am what your sensitive mother may call husky, while drunken aunt Joan calls me a chubby f@#*. I don’t know if I am morbidly obese, I don’t even know if I’m slightly amusing with a serious streak obese.

I do know that like many Americans, I can’t stop stuffing my swelling cheeks. We as citizens of this country not only eat too much, but when we wipe the crumbs from our faces we start obsessing about it.

The diet industry is out of control. They have ninety seven different ways to lose weight and still eat all the food you want.

You can get in shape simply by watching TV. Or you can take a pill and have the pounds melt off in our sleep.

My favorite diet plan, though, comes from one demented mind. Yes, you can gain muscle tone and burn calories at your office, on the couch, while making dinner, reading a book, or visiting the zoo. How?

It’s simple! Just shock your body with electricity to good health. That’s right! Straight from mental institutions to you!

We all know how to lose weight: diet and exercise. The problem becomes then: how do you do it? How do you find a diet program that works? I have no idea. I’m flying from the seat of my stretched out pants here. But that isn’t going to stop me from trying.

For the next six days I am only going to eat three apples a day, three glasses of chocolate milk, and one can of Budweiser beer (I need to keep my sanity).

I haven’t checked with a nutritionist to see if this is a good idea. I am quite sure it isn’t.

I just want to try this and keep an accurate record of how things are going so that I can report to you my findings.

My editor Todd VanDerWerff and my girlfriend Sally Anderson will be helping me keep a daily account of my progress.

Today’s diary looks like this:

Woke up at 8:30 a.m. and hit the snooze button for the next half an hour.

Read my assignment, went to class and paid my rent.

Forgot all about my diet and had a Windy City Burger with fries at Cubby’s.

See you all next week, when I am hopefully thinner and more attractive. Or at least alive and well. To be honest, I just want to be breathing still.

Encourage DJ Steckelberg at [email protected].