Drunken columnist replaced by stuffed penguin

Libby Hill

Libby Hill

Due to complications of a personal nature (namely, a three-day bender with the rest of the Collegian staff that resulted in an extended drying out period) Dear Libby will be penned this week by the most competent replacement we could find. Thus, the Collegian is proud to present Dear Chatters: Insightful advice from a stuffed penguin.

Dear Chatters,

I am a full-time student here as SDSU and have been attempting to get a part-time job in order to make some extra cash. As you probably know, those drinks on the weekend don’t pay for themselves!

However, I’m having an awfully hard time finding any sort of job. I don’t know if it’s that I have absolutely no experience or the fact that I tend to have sort of a “rage problem” but either way, no one’s hiring me. Do you have any advice on how to make myself more attractive to perspective employers?–Deranged in the Dorms

Dear Deranged,

So, you’re having trouble finding work, huh? Well, I could give you advice to help you improve your employability, but I won’t. Because frankly, Jack, your pathetic, incompetent unemployableness makes me sick!

You think you have it tough, huh? That your constant rage and inexperience leaves you disadvantaged when it comes to finding work? You have no clue what being unemployable is all about! I haven’t had a steady job in eight years! Evidently, employers aren’t big on having an employee whose feet are sewn directly to his ass! The last job I had only lasted one night, as evidently to work the graveyard shift at a gas station you need the ability to speak! Let me tell you, I’ve been to some of those places in the middle of the night, and the people working had bigger issues than not being able friggin’ speak.

Anywho, Deranged, my advice is to suck it up and just get a damn job anywhere. Try harder, you lazy SOB. And don’t cramp my style here, dammit, because this may be my golden opportunity. Especially if the bitch who normally writes this column doesn’t get out of detox by week’s end.

Dear Chatters,

I have a totally serious problem. I’ve been casually dating for the last six months and have met these two really amazing guys. The problem is that they both want me to become serious with just them … they don’t even know about each other!

The thing is, I’m totally cool with telling both of them that we’re exclusive, but I don’t want to lose them if they find out about each other. So should I keep all of this on the down-low, or should I break down and pick one of them? Puhleeze help me, Chatters!!–Slutty in Slutsville

Dear Slutty,

Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and look around at the greater problems of the world. Aww, poor baby has to pick between the two boys who like her very much? You make me sick. That’s not a problem! That’s a damn heaven-sent gift! A problem is the fact that if a stuffed lion or bear is a little pudgy around the middle, people just say “Oh, it’s all muscle” or “Oh, he must have just made a large kill” but if God forbid a stuffed penguin has a little extra tummy. It’s just lard!

I’ll be honest with you Slutty, chicks don’t really dig me. They all say it’s my attitude, but I don’t see what’s wrong with my damn attitude. Personally, I think it’s my scarf. None of them realize that I don’t CHOOSE to wear this scarf all the time … it’s SUTURED to my NECK! What am I supposed to do? It’s not like I have a job and could afford such extravagant cosmetic surgery. And even if I did, they’d probably be weirded about by my scars then. Bitches. I hate everyone.

But, back to your “problem” Slutty. If I were in your position (only with chicks, instead of dudes). I wouldn’t see this as a bad thing. What you need to do is get them both drunk, put on some Barry White, and let the love flow, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, then screw you.


Good luck and let me know how it turns our. And keep kickin’ it penguin style, yo.


Have a question for Chatters? E-mail him at [email protected]