Hobo Day Traditions


Staff Reports

Best drink if we win: Sex on the BeachBest drink if we lose: ScrewdriverHere’s why: Sex on the Beach is and winning the big game … screaming orgasm. Screwdrivers are appropriate because if we lost, we obviously just got screwed.

Best breakfast spot: Cook’s KitchenHere’s why: You can head there inthe wee hours of the morning for chow, then hang out while you’re waiting for the parade to start. You can get it in good with the cops who might otherwise arrest you later in the day.

Best school-spirited activity: The one-month club.Here’s why: An excuse for your laziness. Girls don’t have to be embarrassed about their leg hair, and they don’t even have to go to France. Guys can just be scruffy without being hippies — they’re hobos!

Best place to run into your parents the morning after the party: ChurchHere’s why: Not only will your parents see you in your condition, but so will your pastor and all the families you know that think of you as “such as sweet boy.”

Best place or method for avoiding the cops: Be 21. If not, hide in a ditch.Here’s why: With all the cops around during the merry season of Hobo Day, you should be legal or be prepared to go ditch diving.

Best line to give the cops: “I’m from USD. I don’t know any better.”Here’s why: They’ll believe you. You shouldn’t be here anyway, so you must be a damaged person.

Best parade vantage point: Brost’s Hobby and Aquarium. Here’s why: If you get bored with the floats, you can duck in and read some comic books. You might even find some super jackrabbits for sale. If not, you can name your new fish Weary Will.