Danny Andrews

A lot of people are complaining lately about the lack of parking on campus. They moan and cry, “Resolve!”, but I have yet to hear a one of them give any form of a solution.

Hold on to your asses, because they’re about to be blown off! My solution is simple. From now on, cars are no longer allowed on campus. All campus movement will be on the back of humble animal steeds.

Any animal able to comfortably hold a human on its back will suffice. My own examples are: horses, mountain lions, Galapagos tortoises, mountain goats, water buffalo, dolphins- whatever takes your fancy. Just toss a saddle on their backs/shells/dorsal fins and go.

The beauty of the plan is its simplicity. Everyone has seen animals in their life and said to themselves, “Man, I would love to ride that rhinoceros, but my black-tie gala event just wouldn’t allow it. The faux pas would be too great.” Well, screw the black-tied freaks and ride your brand-new giraffe to your child’s tee-ball game. You can pick up any of these animals easily from your local zoo or animal sanctuary. I bet the officials would love to get some of those freeloaders off their backs and have the animals do something productive for once.

All we need to implement this plan is a drastic increase of hitching posts and water troughs around campus. Or, even better, just fence off the entire campus and we let the animals go, free-range style, and just grab whatever we need to transport that day. No need to feed any of them, then, just let nature take its course. I know that in nature a cougar and an orca might not have to fight each other for food, but I bet the battle would be epic.

So just stew over this thought for a couple weeks. Now would be the perfect time to start it, though. Over the summer, we start building the fences and sending students the letters telling them to start packing their chaps and spurs. My ostrich and I are eagerly anticipating the day that we can sprint into campus and do battle with outdated parking lots and outdated thinking.