College for Dummies

Danny Andrews

Danny Andrews

Many arriving freshman students think they know a thing or two about college life. They’ve seen “Animal House,” “Van Wilder” and “Old School,” so they have a lead on what they’re going to be seeing, doing and hearing for the next four years.

To these illustrious students, I have a bit of advice: “Don’t speak much at first. This way people will only wonder if you’re a mute, instead of knowing that you’re an idiot.”

I have taken upon myself (a student of two separate secondary-education schools, who has experienced two orientations, two first days of finding my way on campus and two periods of college adjustments) the task of telling you that you may be completely wrong.

There are four major misconceptions that have been placed on any college institution around the country.

First, everyone in college does not get drunk every night of the week. There are some cases of it being done, but those people are only known as “the life of the party” for so long before being called “alcoholics.” Plus, nursing a hangover in calculus class is never a good experience to learn, and many would say that you would be hard-pressed to graduate from college without learning anything.

Second, you cannot just walk up to any girl and ask to have sex and expect a “yes.” This is perhaps the most damaging lie to discover, and you may find yourself unable to trust an Olson brother or that skinny guy from “Road Trip” for quite some time. Truthfully, just by the law of average, some woman may eventually say “yes,” but by then you may have been kicked in the groin so many times it wouldn’t matter.

Third, not every college student is a beatnik. We don’t all sit around in empty bathtubs reading poems by Jack Kerouac at candlelight. There are no circle discussion groups where we get high and explore what Kurt Vonnegut really meant when he made the aliens look like plungers. Remember that the people you went to high school with are now going to college, so those are the same kind of people that you will be around for the first semesters of school.

Fourth and finally, you will have to go to class. This is where the Hollywood machine really gets some momentum. Unlike the characters in movies whose trips to class are few and far between, you will have to go more often than midterms and finals. Also, you might want to invest in some books. And when you have those books, you’re going to want to take it to the next level and pop them open every so often, if only to look at the pictures.

So there you have it. Now you know some of the pitfalls to avoid once you hit college. Just use this article as a reference point to all of your varied and zany college adventures. You can cut it out and keep it in your back pocket, for all I care. I just want to make sure that you understand what you’re getting into. So be safe, be smart, and try not to be a jerkoff.

#1.884409:60424800.jpg:dannymugbkup.jpg:Danny Andrews, Columnist: