Workplace Goths: A dark world with Black Grass

Danny Andrews

Danny Andrews

I was at Wal-Mart the other day when I saw a loving family walking out. They could have even been my family, if my father wore giant black pants with chains, dyed his hair black and spiked it to an unnatural height. That’s right, folks. I saw a family of Goth kids all grown up.

All along, I thought that being a Goth was merely a pre-teen phase of life. You feel disillusioned and unloved, but then you grow up and realize you were acting like an idiot. Now I know the truth.

Goth, apparently, is a way of life.

Now this got me to thinking, where were the other Goth kids from our generation going to go in life after high school and college? Are we going to start seeing these eyeliner-wearing, angst-ridden kids in the professional field?

Imagine a world where Goth biologists labor for months breeding, studying and pollinating plants. They are searching for something that could revolutionize the Goth industries. These brave individuals are creating Black Grass.

You heard me right. Black Grass. It’s the Goths’ favorite (lack of) color. And if they get grass, black trees and flowers won’t be far behind. It’ll be a dark and melancholy world, filled with cigarette smoking and Shakespeare readings.

Or even imagine a world populated by Goth surgeons. These medical geniuses have pioneered the art of stitching wounds with piercings. Apendicitis? We have a lovely hoop and chain combo that’ll look so fetching.

Or finally, a Goth president. The Dark Commander-in-Chief. The Presidential suit will resemble a straight jacket and pants that don’t let you see a person’s shoes. The National Seal will be replaced by “the totally sweet cover jacket from the latest ‘Used’ album.” The Goth President will have his Cabinet members at his beck and call – Cabinet members like Azaroth Bloodtalon, Secretary of Poetry, or Caine Razor, Secretary of That Movie “The Crow.”

So get ready, everybody. Get your giant leather pants, your black fingerless gloves and your tattered-yet-patched pirate-looking shirt. With spiderwebs and skulls, don’t forget those. The day is coming. The Goths will march. And when it happens, get ready to listen to Marilyn Manson and Slipknot.

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