Danny Andrews

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of my time believing in things that inevitably led to disappointment.

My belief in fairies and their ability to be brought back from death by clapping resulted in my parading around the neighborhood smacking my hands together at a brisk double-time pace. My na’ve thoughts of the existence of extraterrestrials hovering above my house in flying saucers blossomed into a hearty devotion to astronomy.

It took me until middle school to realize that talking about the social strata of goblin kingdoms and the habitual tendencies of UFO appearances weren’t the most socially acceptable traits. I quit saying those little tidbits of information, but I didn’t stop believing.

Now, my imagination strains against the mental chains that imprison it. Every day, I need to constantly ground myself. Most things that run through my mind are somewhat normal: seeing shapes in the clouds or thinking about the relevancy of palm readings. There are other thoughts, however, that are so out there, they never give me a moment’s respite. The biggest one is the most believable, as far as I am concerned.

I don’t think that Christopher Walken is a human being. Impossible. Imagine if you or I were to mimic a sparrow’s song. We might be good at it, so good that to our friends, we sound exactly like a bird. However, to another bird, I can guarantee that we sound as similar as a trumpet and harmonica. Same goes for Walken. I bet to his alien buddies, he does a damn good human impression, but to us, he’s just kind of weird.

I think that Justin Timberlake and Usher are in the same boat. They’re too perfect. I have yet to see bodies like that on people that didn’t come from a laboratory or the communist-era Soviet Union. Whenever I see one of their music videos, I look for seams or zippers on their demigod-like physiques. If they were to fall, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to see their chests pop open and view a team of leprechauns manipulating pulleys and levers.

I’m not crazy. I suppose I could have said that in the beginning, but I’m not. I just have some original and somewhat interesting views on life and people. I realize the chances of Christopher Walken being an alien or Usher being a man-tank for small, pixie-like creatures, but it sure is fun to believe it. And when it comes down to it, isn’t that really all that matters? Believing in Christopher Walken?

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