Danny Andrews

When people talk about heroes and men of action, they say names like George Washington, Martin Luther King, Jr., Captain America and Chuck Norris. These are men who would, and in some cases did, sacrifice everything for the greater good.

We joke and say that they had “ice water in their veins,” “they could spit in the devil’s eye” or they had some serious “cajones.” If that’s true, and bravery is determined by the size of a man’s testicles, then I have found a man with the biggest balls of all: Stanislav Petrov.

You may ask, “Who is Stanislav Petrov? Why should I care?” You should care for one very special reason: Colonel Petrov is credited with preventing World War III and saving much of the earth from a nuclear holocaust.

On Sept. 23, 1983, during the height of the Cold War, Colonel Petrov was manning his satellite surveillance post near Moscow. The satellite detected a launch of one American nuclear missile. Petrov dismissed it. America wouldn’t send one missile to attack the Soviet Union. But then, another missile was launched. And another. And even two more. He had no way to verify if it was true. Land radar couldn’t pick up anything past the horizon, and by then, it would be too late.

He had two choices. One was to wait it out and hope that the missiles were “false positives” and didn’t exist. If he was wrong, then five nuclear-equipped missiles would demolish the Soviet state and he would be the man who allowed it to happen.

Two, he could launch a counterstrike, ensuring that America wouldn’t survive for a second volley. If he were wrong, the counterstrike would become a first strike and America and the U.S.S.R. would enter into a devastating nuclear war caused by him and a faulty satellite.

“Ballsy” doesn’t even begin to describe Petrov. The amount of testosterone needed to keep such massive testicles healthy must be indescribable. I can only imagine that once the threat of a nuclear holocaust was averted, Petrov then saved children from a burning orphanage while delivering triplets and drinking three gallons of vodka. This sounds like the kind of guy who would give the finger to a charging bull, kill it by crushing its head between his pecs and then bang its wife to teach all bulls a lesson.

I almost feel sad for the guy. Where else can he go but down? Even if he wins the Tour de France, Wimbledon and the Super Bowl, they’ll all pale in comparison to saving mankind from mutually-assured destruction-although, he does have the best laurels to rest on.

Imagine, he loses a game of badminton to a complete tool. Petrov can just smack him in the face with the fact that even though he lost, 20-4, and lives in his parent’s basement, he saved all of mankind from a complete nuclear-assisted extinction.

Then he’ll probably go bang the guy’s mom as punishment for raising an idiot.

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