Brady C. Mallory

After years and years of proverbially whoring myself out in the customer service world to support myself throughout high school and college, I have come to the conclusion that many of the elderly are full of s***.

My brash notion is not necessarily a blanket statement; for geriatrics, like dog breeds, are each special in their own way. While some are gentle and will do tricks for cubes of cheese, I have found a large quantity of elderly people will tear your face off if you make eye contact.

My endeavors in pretending to be interested in helping others have made me think critically about the hardships many old people claim to have seen. Before you judge, I ask you this: if the Depression, World War II, the Reagan presidency and other travesties really happened, why do those with grey hair get so riled up about miniscule daily occurrences?

I am not without reason and I completely understand the validity in yelling at a college student when the establishment he works for is out of tartar sauce. Conversely, if you survived the Holocaust you should probably be able to put things into perspective and not let the lack of a mayonnaise product ruin your evening. In addition to that, maybe you would not have the need to purchase pants with elastic waistbands if you skipped the condiments once in a while.

I like to think I am an equal opportunist and my annoyance with rude elderly people is not an isolated prejudice, for I tend to have a disdain for everyone who is not me. Listening to my peers who are in their twenties lament about not having a significant other, thus branding their lives intolerable, makes me jealous of Helen Keller, who never had to listen to such meaningless rambling, or anything for that matter.

In truth, I decided years ago to make sure my career postgraduation is one that does not involve caring about other people, such as politics.

When I was in high school and working at a little place I like to call K-Mart, I was accosted by a lady with a penchant for crushing my spirit as well as five-dollar hair dye.

As the night was drawing to a close, I found myself rearranging items in the health and beauty section, making sure to take my time in order to have to do as little as possible. Apparently the elderly woman could not find the specific blonde she wanted and decided to take out her aggressions on me since I am clearly the CEO of L’Oreal. Being the always-seasoned professional, I calmly, but firmly told her she was an imbecilic moron who was not only wasting my time, but was a drain on society. I was not worried about getting fired because, frankly, I was the only one employed who was not on drugs or stealing. I am certain I could have burned the whole store down without ruining my chances for employee of the month.

I stand by my actions for I do not believe in coddling people when they are being ridiculous. I was lucky enough to have four very wonderful, amazing and kind individuals for grandparents. I simply cannot imagine any of them behaving the way this lady did. I would not put it past my Grandma Mallory to have put out her Marlboro on someone’s arm, but throwing a rude temper tantrum was simply not in her pedigree. Perhaps I was harsh and maybe I should have felt some semblance of remorse when she started to fake cry and tell me the aforementioned exchange was the worst thing that had happened to her. Something about the motorized scooter she was using coupled with her neck-brace told me she was being a tad over-dramatic.

Visit Brady’s blog at bradylately.blogspot.com.